Ellen DuBois Blog. Thoughtwaves.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

by Ellen DuBois on 10/16/18

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. For all of you who have experienced this, I am so sorry for your loss.

Years ago I sufffered a miscarriage and it was one of the most difficult times of my life. I felt like I had nowhere to turn- nobody to talk to.

I felt very alone.

Eleven years after my loss, (I named my son Alex), I wrote a book to help women not feel as alone as I did. It was a different world back then. There weren't many books dealing with the subject and the Internet didn't offer much, either.

I Never Held You is a book for any woman who has miscarried, whether it was recent or years ago. Dr. Linda Backman, a warm, compassionate, licensed grief counselor wrote the foreword and several of the beginning chapters. She knows the heartache of losing a baby. Her son Adam was born at 26 weeks and lived for an hour.

The love she felt for her baby never died, just like the love I felt for mine didn't. If you've lived through losing a child, sadly you know this is true.

I'm sharing my book with you in the hope it helps you or someone you love who has lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, etc.

To all who are missing their babies, I am so sorry for your loss.

Ellen DuBois, Webmaster, Piano Teacher and Author of I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery.

Visit MiscarriageHelp.com for support after miscarriage. Helping women and their families since 2009.

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Sail away in Falmouth. Photo of a Stunning Sailboat.

by Ellen DuBois on 09/21/18

Along with writing, teaching/playing the piano and making jewelry, I love taking pictures. I think it's something I inherited from my mother, who always had a camera ready to capture life's special moments. Many of her pictures were of nature. She used to tell me that nothing in nature is perfect. That's what makes it perfect.

Cell phones are great for capturing something on the fly. But, to me, there's something special about taking pictures with my Nikon D5200. I loved my Pentax 35mm, too, but sadly it broke years ago. I couldn't part with it so it sits in a bag. Perhaps I'll get it fixed someday.

I tend to see beauty in small things, like a bird, flowers, anything in nature. I feel closer to God when I appreciate things in nature- from the tiniest frog to a stunning sunset. It's beautiful, calming, constant yet changing.

I started a page on Facebook and and Instagram account to share my pictures with. I believe, in their own way, they tell a story. About life. About me.

On Instagram you can find me here: photosbyellendubois

www.instagram.com/photosbyellendubois

On Facebook I'm here: www.facebook.com/Photosbyellendubois

Have a great day and whatever your creative outlet is, I hope it brings you joy, peace and fufillment.

Ellen

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. Have a great, inspired day.

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Tufted Titmouse

by Ellen DuBois on 09/18/18

Along with writing, teaching/playing the piano and making jewelry, I love taking pictures. I think it's something I inherited from my mother, who always had a camera ready to capture life's special moments. Many of her pictures were of nature. She used to tell me that nothing in nature is perfect. That's what makes it perfect.

Cell phones are great for capturing something on the fly. But, to me, there's something special about taking pictures with my Nikon D5200. I loved my Pentax 35mm, too, but sadly it broke years ago. I couldn't part with it so it sits in a bag. Perhaps I'll get it fixed someday.

I tend to see beauty in small things, like a bird, flowers, anything in nature. I feel closer to God when I appreciate things in nature- from the tiniest frog to a stunning sunset. It's beautiful, calming, constant yet changing.

I started a page on Facebook and and Instagram account to share my pictures with. I believe, in their own way, they tell a story. About life. About me.

On Instagram you can find me here: photosbyellendubois

www.instagram.com/photosbyellendubois

On Facebook I'm here: www.facebook.com/Photosbyellendubois

Have a great day and whatever your creative outlet is, I hope it brings you joy, peace and fufillment.

Ellen

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Childhood Memories

by Ellen DuBois on 09/18/18

I wrote this several years ago. Those memories grow more precious with each passing year. I feel blessed to have such wonderful childhood memories.

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Have a great, inspired day.

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Taking Pictures. Another Creative Outlet

by Ellen DuBois on 09/14/18

Along with writing, teaching and playing the piano and making jewelry, I love taking pictures. I think it's something I inherited from my mother, who always had a camera ready to capture life's special moments. Many of her pictures were of nature. She used to tell me that nothing in nature is perfect. That's what makes it perfect.

Cell phones are great for capturing something on the fly. But, to me, there's something special about taking pictures with my Nikon D5200. I loved my Pentax 35mm, too, but sadly it broke years ago. I couldn't part with it so it sits in a bag. Perhaps I'll get it fixed someday.

I tend to see beauty in small things, like a bird, flowers, anything in nature. I feel closer to God when I appreciate things in nature- from the tiniest frog to a stunning sunset. It's beautiful, calming, constant yet changing.

I started a page on Facebook and and Instagram account to share my pictures with. I believe, in their own way, they tell a story. About life. About me.

On Instagram you can find me here: photosbyellendubois

www.instagram.com/photosbyellendubois

On Facebook I'm here: www.facebook.com/Photosbyellendubois

Have a great day and whatever your creative outlet is, I hope it brings you joy, peace and fufillment.

Ellen

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Jackie's Heart, Self Publishing, Not Giving Up

by Ellen DuBois on 08/27/18

When I published Jackie's Heart in 2003, it was the first book I ever wrote...and finished. It was a milestone for me on many levels.

The experience taught me a lot about publishing and about myself. Like: the need for an editor; sticking with it; the (then) new world of self publishing; the importance of reading a contract and having someone else read it, too; how to shake off a bad review; how good reviews are great but aren't everything- and more.

In 2003, self publishing was in its infancy. Today, many authors turn to self publishing and there are some fantastic publishers and options. The world of self publishing has grown and evolved over the years and will continue to do so, (in my humble opinion).

What an amazing time it's been and IS for authors to "get out there"!

Back when I first published Jackie's Heart, (in paperback and ebook), I signed a seven year contract and gave up all rights to my book. When my contract ran out in 2012, the rights came back to me. At that time, I self published my book again, in ebook format only, with a different company. I didn't publish again in paperback because I saw how much ebooks had grown and there was also the matter of money. It costs to have your book published in paperback. (I love seeing, holding, flipping through my own book, (many books), in paperback. Thankfully, I still have some tucked away whenever I need that paperback 'fix'.)

I still believe in my book and even after all these years, haven't given up on it. With that, here's a description of Jackie's Heart and if it sounds like something you'd enjoy, it's available on Amazon for only $2.99:

Jackie's Heart A story of love, loss, grief, suspense and taking the chance to love again

Jackie DuPont thought life was over when she lost her husband. Little did she know of the pain and joys in store. When the young widow discovers she's pregnant with her late husband's child, she wonders where she'll find the strength to be a mother when getting out of bed is a struggle.

After being raped by the prominent attorney and left for dead on the side of the road, she's convinced her heart can't take any more. Nearing the end of her pregnancy, she unexpectedly befriends a kind, trustworthy doctor. When unwelcome feelings begin to develop for him, she quickly buries them, remaining loyal to her late husbands memory.

Plagued by grief, fear and guilt, Jackie finds herself surrounded by gunfire.

Join Jackie as she discovers it takes more courage to live than to die, to stand up for justice and to hold on to a second chance at love--even if it means risking it all.

Thanks for stopping by and enjoy Jackie's Heart at its new, lower price.

Happy Reading,

Ellen

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Have a great, inspired day.

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Special Friends Are Like Angels

by Ellen DuBois on 08/04/18

Special friends are like angels-

except you can see them.

They always have your back.

They always look out for you.

They want what's best for you.

They defend your honor.

Special friends are like angels.

They want to make your life easier.

They make you smile and dry your tears.

Special friends are like angels.

They see and love you for the real you.

Sometimes you feel like they are with you-

even when they're not.

Special friends are like angels.

I'm so thankful I've been blessed with a special friend-

in you.

Ellen M. DuBois

2018

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Have a great, inspired day.

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Childhood Memories

by Ellen DuBois on 07/16/18

Childhood Memories

Skinned knees,
climbing trees,
forts of sheets,
sugary sweets,
hide-n-seek,
taking peeks,
Spaghetti O's,
pants with holes,
summer nights,
pillow fights,
Christmas trees,
play in leaves,
eating dirt,
dirty shirt,
monkey bars,
shooting stars,
bright balloons,
afternoons,
school bell rings,
choir sings,
taking tests,
try my best,
friends fight,
summer nights,
friends play,
summer day,
snow fort,
life's short,
memories,
part of me,
will not forget,
will not regret,
worth more than gold,
a treasure to hold,
thank God for these,
Childhood Memories.
© Ellen M. DuBois

Photo is the property of Ellen M. DuBois and may not be used or reproduced without express permission from the owner.

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. Have a great, inspired day.

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God's Rose

by Ellen DuBois on 07/14/18

God's Rose

I took a lengthy walk today thinking I was alone.

I walked so fast I did not see the trees, the sky, the stones.

Something inside began to warm a place within my heart.

A voice began to speak to me- and it began to start.

Although the footsteps I could hear were certainly my own;

I know there was another set upon the open road.

It was as if another one was walking by my side-

whispering words into my ear which made me softly cry.

"Slow down and look around you, child. There's so much here to see.

Did you notice that small nest above in My glorious pine tree? Did you

see the sky, the vibrant sun and feel My breeze upon your face? Have

you heard the singing stream or seen the eagle fly with grace? Did you

notice all the colors I have painted on the land? Have you looked at all

the mountain tops which stand so proud and grand? And what of that small

child there, who plays with such delight? Or, the sounds of that child's laughter

in a world so full of fright? Have you seen the meadow gently sway

when My wind blows through the air? Did you see the violets in the field - or not notice they were there?"

My steps began to slow until I stood so very still.

It felt like God had spoken- was this part of His will?

Or, was it my imagination running wild like the night?

It felt so real, so warm and true - I knew I couldn't fight-

His message to look and really 'see' the wonders all around.

I realized my feet were walking upon more than simply 'ground'.

A tear made a path down my face and I smiled at the sky.

I knew my tears were ones of joy and my heart began to fly.

With every step I saw something as if for the very first time.

The babbling brook; the soft green grass; the beautiful sunshine.

I found myself wandering as my steps began to slow.

I bent over and finally took the time-

to smell God's glorious rose.

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. Have a great, inspired day.

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Even In Murky Waters, the #Lotus Blooms #repost #inspiration #Saturdaythoughts

by Ellen DuBois on 07/14/18

I thought of this saying while looking at this picture. I took it a few days ago and as you can see, the water is very murky. We've been in quite a severe drought here in Massachusetts. Actually, I don't recall ever having this little rain.

Look at the beautiful, pink lotus blooming in the midst of all that green, murky water. Beauty and life appear where you wouldn't think it possible. As a matter of fact, my eyes were so focused on the color of the water, I only saw the lotus after my best friend pointed it out.

Life can be a lot like that. We are what we focus on. We see what we focus on. Rather than giving all my attention to the sorry state of the water, I chose to focus my attention, and my camera, on the soft, gentle beauty of that one, pink lotus.

We all have the capacity to bloom, even in troubled times. We all are capable beings able to not only see, but BE the light in the darkness.

Even in Murky Waters, The Lotus Blooms.

Ellen

Thank you for reading my blog and visiting. YOU are appreciated!

I'm Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. Have a great, inspired day.

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I Updated My Author Page and Please Follow. Thank You!

by Ellen DuBois on 07/11/18

Hello,

I spent some time this morning updating my author page on Amazon. You know how a thought hits and you decide to do it? Well, that's what happened. I wasn't expecting to do an update, but something urged me to do so. So...here's what it says and I invite you to visit and follow. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Ellen (The URL is at the bottom of the post.)

Ellen DuBois wrote I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery because she didn't want women to feel as alone as she did after her miscarriage over twenty-years ago. It was a "pre-Internet" world, and trying to find something to help with her grief seemed impossible. In her book, Ellen shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed several helpful chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Additionally, there are four touching stories from women who lived through the pain of miscarriage.

The second half on the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing after miscarriage. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief and your loss matters, as do you."

Her fiction book, Jackie's Heart, is also available on Amazon in ebook format. It's romance packed with suspense. It's a story of love, loss, grief, overcoming the odds and a taking a chance on love again. It's been called a real "page turner", filled with twists and unexpected turns. Although her first published work of fiction, this editorial review says: "Can't miss" formula,...combining tragedy with romance & throwing in enough criminal activities to build and hold the reader's interest." -- The Sunday Enterprise, August 31, 2003 Zel Levin, Easton author's book combines tragedy, romance

Ms. DuBois has also been published by: Blue Mountain Arts with her poem "I Whispered a Prayer or Two" as an inspirational greeting card and included in their gift book, "Sisters"; is a contributing author in More God Allows U-Turns (Barbour Publishing/Promise Press); Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News (Hunterhouse Publishing) and Soul Matters for Teens (Thomas Nelson Inc.).

Ellen DuBois resides in Massachusetts with her fiance and rescue dog, Cooper. She's working on her next book, teaching piano, enjoys photography, making jewelry and "learning something new every day on this journey called life." She welcomes you to visit her miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com and her personal/author site at ellendubois.com.

Check out my #author page at this easy to remember url! amazon.com/author/ellendubois via @amazon Thank you, Ellen

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Putting My Vulnerable Self Out There Again (My Book)

by Ellen DuBois on 07/05/18

Hello,

I decided to run a promotion on Amazon for the first fiction book I ever completed. It's entitled Jackie's Heart. So, why not promote it on my blog? It only makes sense.

Jackie's Heart was first published in paperback by Publish America. I'm not going say this was the best choice. However, you live and learn. I was fortunate in that I worked with a decent editor and poured my own heart into this book.

In 2012 with my PA contract expired, I got my files back, along with the cover design. I decided to make it into an ebook with Amazon.

It's now 2018 and once again I felt nudged to put some effort into getting Jackie's Heart back out there. There are three good reviews and a painfully horrific one. This goes with the territory of being a writer.

To each their own, right?

I digress. I've never stopped believing in Jackie's Heart. It's not a literary masterpiece and was never intended to be. It's fiction. It's romantic suspense. It's a story to entertain and keep you wanting more. I've been told it's a page turner, (great to hear), and it keeps you engaged until the end. That was my goal in writing Jackie's Heart. (Another goal was to FINISH a book!) So, love it, like it or feel "meh" about it, I'm proud of my work and as an author, I'm putting my most "vulnerable self" out there...again. My book IS a part of me. With most creative people, (I speak as both a writer and a musician), when you give your work wings, you've got to be up for both praise, (easy), and scrutiny, (not so easy).

Here's what Jackie's Heart is about:

Romance. Suspense. A story of love, loss, grief, overcoming the odds and a taking a chance to love again. Jackie's Heart.

Jackie DuPont thought life was over when she lost her husband. Little did she know of the pain and joys in store. When the young widow discovers she's pregnant with her late husband's child, she wonders where she'll find the strength to be a mother when getting out of bed is a struggle.

After being raped by the prominent attorney and left for dead on the side of the road, she's convinced her heart can't take any more. Nearing the end of her pregnancy, she unexpectedly befriends a kind, trustworthy doctor. When unwelcome feelings begin to develop for him, she quickly buries them, remaining loyal to her late husbands memory. Plagued by grief, fear and guilt., Jackie finds herself surrounded by gunfire.

Join Jackie in this page turning book as she discovers it takes more courage to live than to die, to stand up for justice no matter how difficult and to hold strong to a second chance at love—even if it means risking it all.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you all had a safe and happy Fourth of July. It was VERY hot here in Massachusetts and honestly, I watched the Boston Pops and fireworks from the comfort of my living room. It was still beautiful and although I wasn't there, TV's are so amazing today it almost felt like I was!

Sincerely, Ellen

Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I'm also the author of Jackie's Heart and have been fortunate to have been published by Blue Mountain Arts. I'm a contributing author in several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul and More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond- and I love it!

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Learning about Natural Herbs: Free Ebook Natural Herbs 101

by Ellen DuBois on 06/26/18

It can be so overwhelming when you start reading food labels and hearing about the harmful chemicals used in our foods, medicines and more. I typcially blog about the latest in plus size fashions on this site. But, when I stumbled across this book and report, I thought that living healthier is important to mostly everyone. That's why I'm telling you about a free ebook and report entitled "Natural Herbs 101".

You'll learn a lot about natural herbs in this free ebook and report.

Download Natural Herbs 101

"Natural herbs have been in use since the dawn of time. The Chinese have been using these flavorful weeds for everything from spicing up a favorite dish to curing allergies. Common herbs are most known for their culinary uses. There are medicinal applications for herbs as well."

I also have to tell you that I'm an affiliate and will receive a small commission should you decided to purchase anything. However, that's not the main reason I'm sharing this. I believe we need to be our own heath advocates. Anything we can do to make ourselves healthier and better educated is worth the time to me.

I can't wait to dig in and read this book.

Here's to your health!

Download Natural Herbs 101

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I Am Too: An Accounting of Faith, Hope and Love (By Alfred. E. DuBois)

by Ellen DuBois on 06/08/18

I Am Too

Part One: An Accounting of Faith, Hope and Love

By: Alfred E. DuBois

The following is true. Names have been changed in respect of privacy. Family names are authentic.

The day was overcast and dreary as I sat alone on a bench on the north side of the village green. The green in the center of the town square was surrounded by non descript, concrete buildings devoid of any signs, neon lights or ads promoting businesses, although I was sure there were some there. With the overcast and fog they just weren't visible.

Where I was sitting was largely unpopulated, while the southern end of the green was quite crowded with men, women and children in abundance. That was fine with me. I just wanted to be alone and relax, not realizing this was not to be.

A couple approached me and the gentleman offered a courteous "Hello" which I returned. The woman spoke. "Al, are you coming to the Door and Window Festival tonight?" I was quite taken aback by how this woman I never saw before in my life knew my name and what the hell was a Door and Window Festival?

"I don't think so," said I, unknowingly encouraging her to tell me what a "Door and Window Festival" was all about.

"Oh, you should come" she said. "We do it every year. There's fun and games for the kids, lots of music, great food. I know you'll have a great time. See you there?" It was part question, part "See you there!" command.

"Maybe," I compromised. They continued on their way, leaving me alone once again.

At this point, a short, perky gentleman with a quick step was walking by my bench and said "Hi Al." I recognized him as Pat Marony, a former lector at a Catholic church I was organist at for fourteen years- about forty years ago, and returned the greeting. Pat and I had been quite friendly in those days and often had coffee and doughnuts together between Sunday masses. The only problem was Pat had died from Alzheimer's about fifteen or twenty years ago. Surely, although sharing a physical resemblance, this was clearly a case of mistaken identity.

I decided to get up and walk around the green to stretch and loosen up a bit. As I neared the crowd, a woman who looked all the world like a former neighbor, Loraine Weaver, approached me smiling.

"Al, so good to see you." She looked away for a moment, then returned to face me again. She looked totally unfamiliar- definitely was not Loraine and continued. "It'll be so good to see you two together tonight. It's been a long time."

I wondered, didn't she know my wife had died ten months ago? What was going on?

"Well, maybe one of us," I said.

She simply smiled and walked away.

One thing I should have mentioned earlier: in addition to the park benches like I was sitting on, the green was covered with picnic tables from end to end. There were far more tables than park benches, obviously in preparation for the night's festivities, but being alone, I had elected a bench.

While sitting and looking around at the people I thought for a moment I saw Marlane, my deceased wife among them. She was some distance away, not distinctly clear, but certainly resembled Marlane in appearance. I stood to get a better view but in the process lost her in the crowd.

I sat back down, disappointed at myself for thinking the impossible and noticing that while the tables at the southern end of the green were quickly filling up, the northern end was still pretty sparse. I decided to move to one of the empty tables for a change of pace.

I looked around, taking another view of the preparation for the upcoming event. I saw that it was beginning to take shape. Some food, buffet style, was being set up and the crowd was beginning to grow. I sighed, sat back, closed my eyes, reopened them looking to my right, then to my left and stopped. There, two tables away, she was sitting alone staring at me. "Hello there."

My heart was pounding. My hands were sweating. I had so many things to say. "Hi."

If you offered me a million dollars to tell you what happened next I couldn't. I know we exchanged small talk. It was pleasant, not profound or memorable. I looked around, sighed and looked back toward her, wanting to tell her so many things.

She was gone.

About this time I was approached by two men wearing official looking name tags, obviously on a mission. It turned out they wanted me to play the piano at the "Door and Window Festival" in exchange for which they would give me a free ten dollar admission ticket. I somewhat reluctantly agreed hoping another, more productive meeting with Marlane would result.

It's funny how things work. I might not be the quickest guy in the world or the brightest light on the tree, but it was finally beginning to occur to me that this entire happening, real as it seemed, was a dream. The people I was meeting, at once familiar and non familiar, were actually products of my desire to be with my wife of more than fifty four years, hold her and tell her what I should have told her more often over those years. A guilt trip that haunts me and I am sure many others who have lost a devoted partner they all think prematurely.

I was thinking about this when the two name tags showed up again. They couldn't find the piano, but wanted to give me the ticket anyway since I had offered to play it. I accepted and told them to keep looking. If they found it, I would play it.

Returning to my table, which was still unoccupied although those all the way to the middle of the green were quickly filling in, I relaxed as best I could, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I opened them quickly. Marlane was sitting two tables away again staring at me.

She had changed and was wearing one of my favorite outfits. Her red blouse was gracefully framed by a white sweater and she looked radiant. There wasn't a wrinkle anywhere on her face and looked to be in her early forties. She was smiling that infectious grin and I was angry.

Angry because I realized this was a dream, that I would awaken soon and it would all be gone. How could I tell her gently? How could I not show the anger and frustration I was feeling?

I gripped a hold of the edge of the table while rising to a standing position. This was it.

"This isn't real" I said loudly. "I am dreaming!" Almost a scream.

She had a three word reply but it wasn't to come within the dream. As I lay on my back in bed I felt her breath in my right ear and heard her voice, not loud, but clear, personal and up close. "I am too!"

The vision in the dream disappeared before I could open my eyes. I almost expected to see and feel her next to me but knew she wouldn't be.

This had been far more than a dream. She was in mine and I was in hers at the same time. "I am too" calmly, clearly in control, unlike my angry outburst. No longer agnostic, there is no doubt in my mind that there is an after life, she is in it, enjoying it and is okay.

Therefore, "I am too."

I Am Too

Part Two: The Connection

I had made one of my rare visits to the cemetery where my parents Alfred and Ellen, son David and wife Marlane are buried on Wednesday, October fifteenth, 2015. This was probably my third time since my wife had passed away January third of this year. Although I have a short conversation and offer some prayers daily, visiting cemeteries is just not my thing. We all react differently to these situations.

In part one I wrote about what occurred within and after the dream Thursday night. I did this Friday morning while the vivid details and the feeling of Marlane's warm breath upon my ear were fresh on my mind.

What happened Friday night blew me away.

I have three wonderful daughters named Debbie, Ellen and Lori in their forties and early fifties. None of us have ever really been into the psychic or paranormal. I say that fully realizing some events defy explanation.

Lori, the youngest of the three has a daughter who began her freshman year in high school this fall and a son who entered middle school the same time. Her friend Kerry has the same combination so they have come up with a perfect carpool arrangement to efficiently transport their kids to and from school each day. Debbie, Ellen and I have never met Kerry so we do not know her, although she and Lori as well as their children are good friends.

That Friday evening Kerry attended a showing by a well know medium which drew an audience of about two hundred people.

I am attempting to recreate what happened next as accurately as possible since I was not there and am relying on descriptions by Lori and Ellen originally, given to Lori by Kerry.

As the medium was moving around the hall she reported strong vibes when close to Kerry. "Does someone near me know an Ellen?" A few hands raised in response. All knew a deceased Ellen, some passing away years ago, others more recently. "No, this Ellen is alive and someone from the other side is trying to communicate with her." The medium explained.

As she moved around the room the vibes grew weaker but became strong again when Kerry was approached. "Does someone near me know a Lori?" Kerry hesitantly raised her hand. "The vibes are really strong" said the medium. "Are you sure you don't know an Ellen?"

"Positive" was the reply.

"All right" said the medium, abruptly changing direction and leading into another question. "Did the Lori you know recently lose her mother to lung disease?"

Kerry, dumbfounded, nervously answered "Yes."

The vibes were very strong and the following quote is exactly, word for word, as Kerry reported to Lori. "This woman is very adamant you get this message to Lori. I'm okay. I'm breathing."

"That's it?"

"That's it!"

Upon returning home later that evening, Kerry knew exactly what she had to do in spite of the late hour.

She phoned Lori, explaining that she had seen a medium earlier and she had to ask Lori the question that had been on her mind the entire drive home. "Do you know anyone named Ellen?"

Lori replied, "I have a sister Ellen."

"Oh, my God."

At this point, bursting with curiosity, Lori shouted, "What?"

"I have a message from your mother. The medium said she was adamant I get this message to you and Ellen. I'm okay. I'm breathing!"

Moments later Lori was on the phone with Ellen. Needless to say, they were overcome with emotion and excitement. As they began to calm down, Lori wondered aloud why Debbie and I were not included in the adamant message. They had the answer the next morning when I called Ellen about a completely unrelated matter.

At the very moment they were on the phone together, I was sitting in the kitchen at my house reading Debbie the recently completed manuscript for "I Am Too. An Accounting of Faith, Hope and Love." The messages, though different, were being exchanged among family members at the exact same time and were meant to reassure us that all is well. We know it is real.

That's the way Marlane plans things.

Note: This was written by my father, Alfred E. DuBois.

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In the end, it comes down to LOVE. #Repost #grief #writingtoheal #missingmom

by Ellen DuBois on 06/08/18

You know those moments when you come across a picture and it completely tears at your heart? Yeah. Just happened. But, faith gets you through it. Love pushes you forward, keeps you connected and dries the tears. The belief in a life so beautiful after this one cushions the ache of missing someone so much it physically hurts. Finally, the importance of treasuring every moment you have with your family- every, single one, is fully awakened. Do it for you. Do it for God. Do it because you may regret it if you don't. I loved my mother so much and miss her equally as much. Thank God she knew how much she was loved by my whole family. And we knew she loved us. In the end, it all comes down to... LOVE.

Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!

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Mom In Heaven, Today is Your Birthday

by Ellen DuBois on 04/26/18

Mom in Heaven,

Today is your birthday, I'm thinking of you.

But, that's not unusual - I always do.

If given a wish, I know would come true-

I'd wish for one more day to spend with you.

Ellen M. DuBois, 2018

What more can I say?

Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!

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Life Since My #Miscarriage, 27 Years Later.

by Ellen DuBois on 04/23/18

(This post is from my miscarriagehelp.com site, but I wanted to share it here, too.)

Today marks the day I lost my baby 27 years ago. It's a day that changed my life. My whole path shifted direction when I miscarried. What I thought would be and what was were suddenly very different.

No matter when you suffer a miscarriage, it's not something you forget. As I learned, life pushes on. However, in those dark, scary days, weeks and months and even years after I miscarried, I had a very tough time keeping up with life. So many times I felt like grief consumed me and I was going through the motions.

Looking back, I see how over time, I began to find myself again. It took a long time and I never, not even once, forgot about the baby I loved and never got to hold. He touched my heart and my life in so many ways.

How? Losing my baby prompted me to write a book years later on my experiences, grief, healing. There wasn't much available back then and I was so frustrated with the disappointment I felt every time I searched for a book to help me cope and make me feel less alone. My little Alex, (I named him), was the reason for this website. I wanted a place to share in our experiences after miscarriage to again, make us feel less isolated in our pain.

There's no time limit, no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no date marked on the calendar saying, "Okay. Enough. You can get on with it now." You just do the best you can, like I did. Like so many of us who miscarried have. Your best is good enough. I wish I knew that back then. I always felt my best wasn't good enough because I felt I was barely scraping by in everything I did.

My marriage suffered. I won't blame the ending of my marriage on my miscarriage, but I do know communicating with your spouse/partner is so important. Otherwise, those feelings can eat you up inside and drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Every day tasks, like grocery shopping felt like I was climbing Mount Everest because I suffered such anxiety after I miscarried. I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop what I was doing and take a deep breath, or pull over for a few minutes until my panic attacks subsided. It was so frightening.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that if you're feeling any of these things, you are not alone. It's not new because I felt them years ago. What's been changing is the way miscarriage is talked about more. I'm very thankful for that because I know what it's like to feel you've got nobody, even when you're surrounded by people you love.

(I also learned I was never truly alone because I always had God and the angels by my side, even when I didn't feel like I did.)

I've come a long way since that dark time so long ago. But, I've never forgotten my baby, what it felt like to miscarry and how alone I felt. That's why I'm still here, reaching out to let you know you're not alone.

I wish you comfort and healing- and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here's a great, big hug- Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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Thoughtwaves March 8, 2018

by Ellen DuBois on 03/08/18

I've had this blog for some time and unlike my other blogs, (miscarriagehelp.com and a fashion blog), I've never felt a strong, resonating sense of purpose in my posts.

I've been all over the board and back again.

For as much as I wanted an inspired, purpose driven blog, I never seemed honed in or inspired enough to find my path. It seems inspiration has found me, so I renamed my blog Thoughtwaves.

There are a couple of reasons for the name. First, as I sit here typing alone in my music teaching studio, the song my mother wrote, (Thoughtwaves), is playing in the background. I feel her love and energy enfold me. It is both beautiful and bittersweet. She passed away three years ago. Her music spoke to me, as if beckoning me to rename and revamp my entire blog. Thoughtwaves felt like the right name.

First step done.

Next was the need to write something that felt like it had substance. For a while, my writing has reflected where my head's been at- fragmented and unfocused, perhaps afraid to dive into what lies beneath the surface. That's an excuse I no longer want to use. "Fear is faith inverted." - Florence Scovel Shinn. Life's always going to be a mix- busy, not so busy, happy, sad, etc. There's always something worth writing about and a way to make time to do it. (I'm writing this in between students.)

Find your passion. One of my greatest passions is my spirituality. I want to write about the ups and downs of life, good energy and what I do when it's not-so-good. God, angels, people, meditation, prayer, our connection, the unseen but felt, the afterlife (along with signs from the afterlife) are what I think about, read about and am passionate about. They are my truth and are substantial.

Here's a light hearted example of something simple but so powerful: It felt wonderful when the person ahead of me paid for my coffee yesterday. Such an unexpected surprise! A complete stranger paid for my coffee and the guy at the window told me it'd been going on for about ten minutes. Just think of it: customer after customer paying for the person's coffee behind them. Without hesitation, I paid for the person behind me. I felt a deep sense of gratitude and a "high" from keeping the pay it forward going.

I received positive energy and gave it back. It's an awesome, simple thing that's incredibly uplifting.

The key is keeping that great feeling. Outside forces can easily bring me down.

My take away from this: Don't let negative energy rob you of your light. Focus on love, gratitude and whatever makes you feel good inside. Walk away if a disagreement is about to begin. Try to keep your cool and in the words of the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Choose being kind over being right."

I got a bit side tracked, but I think you get my drift.

Remember, you are a wonderful, Divine creation of God's. I realize that my bliss is always inside me. There are days when I have to look a bit harder, but it's there.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!

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Why is the price of my book so HIGH?

by Ellen DuBois on 03/01/18

Why is one of the sellers of my book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery, pricing it so high on Amazon? I mean, who would pay over six-hundred dollars, (you read that right), for a copy of my book? For ANY book, unless it's highly collectible?

I don't understand this, but I'm looking into it. I've discovered, through my limited research, that I'm not alone. There are more authors and sellers of other merchandise, (not limited to books), who, for whatever reasons, have their products show up with independent sellers at extremely high prices.

I don't get it...but I will. This doesn't feel right because, I suspect, it's not. I simply haven't had the time to dive in and get to the bottom of it.

I will, and when I come up with anything, I'm going to #writeaboutit.

If you're wondering, the price of my book, I Never Held You, in paperback, is $11.99. Not even close to the ridiculous $607.69 one seller lists it for.

It's frustrating, but my frustration serves me well. It drives me to discover why the price of my book is so high with a particular seller.

Until then,

Ellen

PS- If you click on the link below, you'll see how my book appears on Amazon. It's when you look into the "other sellers" that you find the prices going up... and up... and up!

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!

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Another School Shooting? This CAN'T Be Our Kid's "New Normal" #kidslivesmatter

by Ellen DuBois on 02/15/18

"At least 17 people were killed when a teen opened fire with a semiautomatic rifle at a high school in Parkland, Florida, on Wednesday afternoon, officials said."

I stand heartbroken before you with the rest of this country- with the rest of the world. Another school shooting? This CAN'T be our kid's 'new normal'.

I don't have the answers, but I'm willing to help try to come up with something. ANYTHING. I can't stand by and watch yet another newscast telling me there's been another shooting.

Our children are being massacred by psychos with guns. Yes, I said psychos and if that's not politically correct, I don't offer an apology.

It's not about politics. First and foremost, it's about the children, the ones we are supposed to be able to protect, being shot down in cold blood. It's also about the teachers and other victims of these horrific shootings that defy reason . There is no reason when it comes to evil. Additionally, it's about unstable people with guns who never, EVER should have had them in the first place.

"The number of mass shootings around the country in 2018 continues to climb. According to data from the Gun Violence Archive, a total of 30 mass shooting incidents have occurred as of February 14, including Wednesday's school shooting in Florida."- www.abc15.com

What are we going to do? How are we going to protect our children? How are we going to protect ANY innocent bystander who gets caught in the crossfire of someone who is mentally deranged?

School shootings. Nightclub shootings. Concert shootings...Enough!

I'm grasping at straws as I try to comprehend yet another tragic shooting. I can't wrap my brain around it. I cry when I think about the lives lost and the families of the victims. My heart goes out to those who survived, too. I can't imagine what this atrocity did to the kids who lived it, saw it and felt such fear and terror. We've got some very serious PTSD to address and it's in our schools. It's seems unreal, but this nightmare is very real.

I believe we have to get to the root of the problem: unstable, mentally deranged people who are going on killing sprees. This is not a political statement. I know guns don't shoot themselves- people do. And the ones who do it are sick and don't give a damn about any law. All the legislation in the world isn't going to stop them because they don't care about laws and legislation.

I, along with millions of others, feel helpless. But, I can't be helpless because children depend of adults to be helpful. For the love of God, keep your eyes open. Listen. Our kids need to know they can report any suspicious behavior/activity to an adult without repercussion. Sort out what's accurate after it's investigated- let's not wait to act. If we do, it'll be too late. Listen to the concerns of children when they say "so and so is being violent, weird, making threats or creepy" and take every word seriously. Don't be afraid to speak up to authorities and to each other. We all need to be vigilant and LOOK UP AND AROUND instead of down. We all need to notice the world and the people around us- beyond our cell phones.

It's a start.

We need to protect each other. This can't be our kid's new normal.

I have to add this: While I believe in a person's right to bear arms, I also believe in background checks. I believe there is no need for anyone, except for the military and law enforcement, to carry assault rifles, which are capable of fully automatic firing. #kidslivesmatter

Ellen M. DuBois

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